Tuesday, June 16, 2009

My year of living recklessly...

Earlier this year Brian called to let me know he had just gotten out of the hospital and that he was on his way to living at a mission. He wanted to say good-bye and then said the reason for moving to the mission was that he had no money and that he hadn't eaten in days...oh that was just ridiculous so I asked where he lived and drove over and took him out to lunch and then we went grocery shopping and then when I was in his apartment dropping off groceries, saw that he was sleeping on the floor...with no mattress after having surgery just a week before. Gawd. That night I went to Target and got him an airbed. And so, I was introduced and then pulled into the life of Brian. And it really was sort of like a Monty Python movie because things kept getting so bad and sinking to such levels of worseness, Brian's life had really become a very dark comedy. 

But Brian's now in a halfway house and is doing great and has a job and boss he really likes. I'm so happy for him. And even happier that he didn't get either of the first two jobs he interviewed for (one was at a slaughterhouse, the other at a pesticide plant). I think Brian is in the best place he could possibly be to get his life back on track. Dick told me to be careful when all this started. I told him that I was always careful and that I was not a reckless person...that I actually could use more "reck" in my life. Dick said, "Trust me, you have plenty of 'reck.'" 

The thing is, all of Brians' decisions about whether to do something or not do something had all caught up with him in one dramatic week. And the reason I'm thinking about him, is because maybe Dick is right. This seems to be a year of dramatic ends and starts for a lot of people I know and maybe, me too. A lifetime of decisions and non-decisions that finally lead to something unexpectedly. Why do I say that? Well, Meg and I were driving around having fun imagining all the possible places we could live in the country and then we found some land that must have a spell on it because it compelled us to return again and again and again.

And then dammit, I put in an offer for it. 

And dammit, now it's mine.

For the past week I have had the worst case of buyer's remorse. What the hell was in my head? The economy stinks. It's going to be bad for a long time. My employer announced that staff would be reduced 6-8% by the end of the year. And I'm old!!!!! I'm out of debt and now I'm getting right back into it big time. Really big time. And if I have a job at the end of the year, will I have one next year? How much more reckless can you get?

I've been trying to sleep as much as I can in the past five days so I can avoid thinking about what I have just done and whether I even want to proceed with this land ownership thing. Everybody who knows me says this has been my dream, to live in the country, have more animals, garden on a grand scale, that kind of thing. I had to ask myself if that was still my dream.

But look at this...

And this...

...and this. It is soooo beautiful.

They say you only live once....but then, Susan Boyle finally got her dream and it nearly killed her.

13 comments:

Susan said...

WOW!
Double WOW!

Maureen said...

I get it, I'll be 60 next year and I feel really trapped in my life but don't know what else to do. I almost got out last year, the cosmos opened a door wide enough for a Mack truck to drive through and then slammed it shut just as I was about to move. The only way I could deal with it, I was devastated, was to tell myself there's a reason I need to stay in NYC, but I think if it's open and easy,no obstacles, then it's meant to be. Go for it.

Mental P Mama said...

I think it's wonderful. And I have a feeling that all will be well. And beautiful;)

Wonk said...

Woohoo! You must be so excited - I'd be bouncing off the walls myself :)

There's reckless and then there's spontaneous - they are 2 very different things and I think what you did was the latter.

Buyers remorse is understandable considering the sum of money involved but that's perfectly natural. I think we all would feel a bit nervous in the circumstances, especially when it's a 'luxury' purchase rather than a necessary one.

After years of slogging away with work, mortgages, debts etc etc I think people get in the habit of feeling they need to somehow justify big decisions like this. Well get this - what bigger justification can there be than 'because it makes me happy'?

Go. Enjoy. Don't regret! It looks absolutely beautiful and I'm sure I'm not the only person looking at your pictures with a pang of jealousy :)

I can't wait to hear more about it and all your plans.

Dawn said...

Don't second guess yourself. I so totally agree with Wonk on this. Don't allow doubt and regret to rush in and steal the joy that brought you to purchase this amazing place. Instead remember the reason you chose to get it and all the potential the photos show. Everyday Starlinka will remind you how very "beautiful" it truly is Maria. Get a glass of wine and toast to your decision instead of beating yourself up. Remember, we want to skid in broadside thoroughly used up, totally worn out and proclaiming, "Wow, what a ride !!!!!!

Amy said...

maybe you could think that you were meant to save this piece of land. if you didnt buy it maybe someone would have graded it, filled it and built something hideous on it. it happens all the time. all the animals just pushed out, no where to go. nowhere left to go. so you can save it. i think its awesome. i feel stuck and trapped and want to get out of this god awful city.

Maria said...

Oh you guys are the best. The BEST. Yes, beauty and happiness and experiencing lots of stuff is what life should be about...not being cautious and frugal 100% of the time, at least that's what it seems my life has been like for some time now. And you know, I could always start a middle-aged girl ranch. Ha ha ha. There's a firepit by the creek and Meg and I have already used it to make s'mores. Everyone's invited next time we're out there. :-)

snakey said...

i have to say, when you first said you were looking at land, i was thinking of the scrubby rolling hills around here. this, my friend, is not LAND. it is a PARK!!! and you know how certain colours and objects just say "maria"? this PARK is what maria-land looks like to me!

it is just wow.

b&g girl said...

some how i landed on your blog...i've just spent the last 30 minutes reading all kinds of posts! and wow, the land is beautiful! a lot of people only dream, you are getting choose whether to live, i think its fantastic...if it matters from someone you don't know! well sincerest congrats. i plan on following...thanks!

Maria said...

Snakey-Seriously, that place has a spell. And you're right. It IS a park. I don't know about a MariaLand theme park though.....well, I suppose it is since it is full of dogs and deer and skinks and frogs and minnows and crayfish and different altitude flying insects and......dang, who invited the ticks?

B&AMP girl-Oh my. You sure stumbled upon my blog on an unusual day. Usually I go on and on about absolutely nothing. Thank you for your very nice comments and kind thoughts. :-)

TSannie said...

How could you not buy such a beautiful haven? I understand completely. If it helps, I'll worry for you so you don't have to so much. I think you did the right thing. Salve for the soul. It's important!

Maria said...

Oh TSAnnie-Thank you so much for sharing the fret. Today actually was a little bit better. I asked one of the loan officers how long buyer's remorse lasted and he said between 12 and 14 days. Well, it was day 15 when I asked him that question. I'm still wavering between going for it and becoming a "runaway bride." Things always work out, I wish I felt more confident about how this one will work itself out though. :-/

ana said...

Maria, no remorse! Its a gorgeous plot and you are not old. Beside the boss people would be fools to let you go EVER! xoxo, ana